Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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