By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My ass is underappreciated
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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