That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
