is your mom at the bar?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
