roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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