MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
