I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
