I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
