im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
