I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Then you guys just all showered together...?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
