you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
COCAINE IS GR8
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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