I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
