i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
