There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
