oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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