I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
