I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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