If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
