wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
