Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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