I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
