Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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