Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
