seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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