One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
