I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
