I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
