Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
