The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
