just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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