My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
