even my farts smell like vagina
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
