my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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