oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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