May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
