don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
