who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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