Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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