gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
