dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
