I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
