He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
