In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
