and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
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THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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