i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Dating After Heartbreak
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana