I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
