I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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