Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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