Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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