You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
