How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize