what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
