Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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