Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
