When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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