Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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