I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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