We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
When are your genitals available?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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