Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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