just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
