I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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