Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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